The Bird and the Bees: Talking about Sex

Working in an AIDS Task Force as a tester means that I field sex questions a lot. Once in awhile someone will call for the Prevention Department, and I happened to be on the receiving end of such a call a little over a week ago. A man asked if I was the right person to speak to about HIV and I said I was. He proceeded to ask what his risk was when it came to unprotected oral sex. This is always a topic of conversation and is a difficult one to answer.

This is not because I am unsure of his risk. There is a slight risk. If a person were to have cuts in their mouth, there could be transmission. It is difficult because this is the act I tell clients to do when they are adamant about not using condoms during sex. I believe, and so does the agency, that people should always use condoms when having sex with someone outside a monogamous relationship. Yet, we are also all about harm reduction. Condoms are better but oral sex will at least reduce their risk.

I told the man his slight risk, but told him that condoms were still best. He became quiet and said, embarrassingly, that he didn’t actually know how to put on a condom.  He asked me to explain how to put it on and proceeded to let me know he was writing my instructions down. He repeatedly apologized for being crude and asking questions and I tried to reassure him that it was nothing I hadn’t been asked before. I offered online suggestions but he said he had no access to a smart phone or computer and that he was too old to ask his friends or partners for advice.

This led me to a scary epiphany on why HIV may be as prevalent as it is. We become embarrassed to talk about sex because we, once we hit a certain age, feel as though we should know everything about everything. I know that when I first arrived at the Force, I felt embarrassed when a client would say something about their sex life that I didn’t know was a thing. I would then pretend to understand and push condoms again.

There is a freeing and educating feeling that happens when you stop worrying and start asking questions and speaking up. There is no shame in not knowing how to put on a condom. It is a skill, like any, that must be learned. The shame is not using one because you are afraid to bring it up, afraid of being judged because you don’t know how to use one. Having an open and honest conversation before sex about what you want, what you don’t know, and your risk can significantly reduce a person’s risk for contracting a STD.

I don’t just worry about the man on the phone who has never used a condom for any sexual relationship because he doesn’t know how to use one and has never used one with any partner. I worry about every woman or man he has ever slept with who didn’t offer to show him, didn’t know themselves how to put one on, or didn’t ask that one be used without knowing his status. Our inabilities to talk about what we want out of fear, embarrassment, or pride makes no one happy and no one safe.

The only way to end HIV is to create healthy dialogue about what we want out of each sexual experience and talk with our doctors if we are worried about our sexual health. We bring our past with us every time we sleep with a person so the least we should do is talk about that past first. This doesn’t mean that each person must know your whole life’s story, but it does mean that the person should feel comfortable enough to ask how to put a condom on. And, if neither of the partners knows, discuss whether they should be having sex in the first place.

I hung up the phone from our conversation telling him he should come in and talk with me in person. I gave him my name and told him I would test him personally. He still hasn’t made it in and I wonder, if he’s not talking to me, who’s he talking to? Who are you talking to?